Jesus Potter
by Fan and Woo Association
Summary: Take well known biblical stories, add a cauldron full of Harry Potter characters, mix with fifty tablespoons of parodying and humor, and you have our semicrackfic, Jesus Potter. If this offends you, don't read it. More warnings inside.
1. The OWLnnunciation

**JESUS POTTER**

**WARNING: EXTREME OOC-ness, taking the piss out of Christianity, defamation of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and any other biblical people, hints of slash, satirical humour, coarse language scattered here and there, mild sexual references, slightly mild drug use**

**READER HEED! IF YOU ARE A BIBLE-THUMPING CHRISTIAN AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE OF HUMOUR AND ZERO TOLERANCE, THEN KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS GRAPHIC-USER INTERFACE SCREEN. WE ARE NOT ANTI-CHRISTIAN **(in fact Fan herself _is_ Christian)**, WE JUST HAPPENED TO COME UP WITH THIS IDEA FOR A PARODY. SO IF YOU WISH TO FLAME, PLEASE DO SO INTELLIGENTLY…**note…the key word is "**INTELLIGENTLY**"… and just for the record, Woo does not think we need any saving, so spare us and yourself the sermon and get a life. By the way, we LOVE homosexuals, even though we're not, but we think homosexuals are adorable.

Thank you.

**DISCLAIMER:**

We humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yeah, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers.

**Fan: **We are here!

**Woo:** With our first **published** crack fic!

**Fan: **This one has GOT to be our most controversial project yet…

**Woo:** Not that WE care, because we are having the time of our lives.

**Fan: **Anyway…we REALLY hope you read the extra long warning up there…

**Woo:** 'Cause we're not paying for your therapy and your attempts to "make us see the light"…

**Fan: **Just because you weren't intelligent enough to take the warnings seriously…

**Woo:** …Yeah… yeah… YEAH!

**Fan: **But aside from that…

**Woo: **Sit back and enjoy!

_**Chapter 1- The OWL-nnunciation**_

**CHAPTER WARNINGS: A drug-induced Cedric who talks like a surfie, strange notions of pregnancy, coarse language, slash hints and attempted suicide.**

_In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen._

_A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…_

In the sixth month of Petunia Dursley's pregnancy, Dumbledore sent the angel Cedric to Godric's Hollow where the Potters lived.

He had an owl for a girl who was married to a wizard named James Potter, the son of…uhh…Potter. The girl's name was Lily.

The angel pranced down from the heavens, unwrapped the scroll the owl was holding and began to read it: "Duuuuuuude, like, peeeace maaaaaaan! Dumbledore said like, you totally rawwwwwwwwwwwk! He's like totally rooting for you!"

Lily was deeply troubled by the fact that the angel appeared to be on a drug-induced trip and wondered what the fuck he was going on about.

The angel said to her, "You're gonna be pregnant, girlfriend! You're gonna like totally give birth to Dumbledore's kid, but it's like, not _really_ his kid…well it _is_, but it's not…wait is that right? Uhh…umm…well…anyway, your kid's like gonna be sooooooooooo freakin' hot and I wanna be first in line for the 'goods', you get my drift lady? (winks) Oh yeah, and he's like totally gonna save us from that evil Malfoy duuuuude…yeeeeeeaaaaahhh!"

Lily stared at the angel. What she _really_ wanted to say was, "What the fuck? How can I be pregnant? Dumbledore's kid! He's too old for Dumbledore's sake…what the hell? I just said his name twice…and what about my husband James! He's gonna kill me…and not to mention you as well…There's an evil Malfoy man! And are you homosexual! Isn't homosexuality banned or something! And why on _earth_ are you high!"

Instead, the words that came out of her mouth were: "OMGWTF! HOW!"

The angel answered, "Like…the Holy Fawkes will fly down and like…Dumbledore's power will…uhhh…ummm…like…I don't really know…but you'll get pregnant anyway…I mean, look at your sister Petunia, she's as ugly as hell and her husband's a fat pig, but hey! She's getting some…which is like totally eww…and strange, 'cause Dumbledore wrote a thing that predestined that they couldn't have kids or something…oh wait…I might have mixed up that predestination form in the filing with that Lestrange couple's one…"

Lily just stared at the angel some more, completely stunned with shock and disbelief. She was utterly confused as to why

1. Dumbledore wanted her to give birth to his son…was he experimenting with IVF or something?

2. The supposed angel was high and saying extremely weird things…

But in the end, she sighed and said to the angel, "Whatever…as long as it doesn't look like I cheated on James it's all good…"

Then the angel pranced away and left Lily shaking her head and muttering something about 'old codgers' and 'angels on a trip' and 'how the fuck can you get pregnant without sex?'.

James returned later on in the evening from his job at Quality Quidditch Supplies, where he crafted racing brooms.

He soon discovered that Lily was not in the kitchen, ready to berate him with a frying pan for being late again. So he went to their bedroom and saw Lily muttering to herself. That gave him an ominous feeling.

"Lily, honey, is something wrong?" he asked timidly, fearing that she had something much more lethal than a frying pan.

She didn't seem to hear him, since she was still muttering things under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'old codger', and 'angels on a trip'.

"Lily?" he asked a bit louder this time, and she looked up.

"Oh, James, you're back…boy am I glad to see _you_!"

"You are?"

"Oh yes, you see I had the weirdest dream. Perhaps I was Confunded or something, but I dreamt that some high-on-crack teenage angel visited me and told me that I was going to be pregnant with Dumbledore's kid, but it's not exactly his kid, but it is in a way or something…anyway…so basically the spawn of Dumbledore is going to lie in my womb even though I don't know _how_ that's possible because it is clearly obvious that Dumbledore is _not_ going to do…ahem, but anyway, if you want to divorce me now that's OK, I'll just Avada Kedavra myself right now." And Lily with a sad smile pointed her wand at her belly.

"Expelliarmus!" James yelled, and Lily's wand flew into the air. "Lily, you didn't even give me a chance to say anything and you just wanna Avada Kedavra yourself! Don't do that!"

"Huh? Are you not listening to me? I just SAID that I'm going to have a kid who's not YOUR kid, but it's not really HIS kid either, but somehow it IS his kid!"

"Well Lily, I don't understand how that works but you are NOT going to kill yourself! I LOVE you! And I don't care if you're not having my actual kid because obviously the kid can't look like Dumbledore if it isn't _really_ his kid, so it might look like me! I don't know what I just said, but yeah!"

"Oh James! I love you too!"

And James and Lily embraced. And from then on, things were smooth sailing. Kind of…

_To be continued…_

**Fan: **There you have it!

**Woo: **That was quite fun, actually.

**Fan: **I must admit, this fic was probably much easier to write…

**Woo: **The FWAST story arcs take up too much creativity…probably why we haven't published em yet.

**Bellatrix: **(reading through the fic) Oh…so _that's _why I can't have kids…

**Fan: **Well, there also _is_ the fact that you're a psycho bitch and possibly love old Voldie-mort more than your husband, as well as the fact that you have a 90 chance of losing any sons you have since you'd probably sacrifice them to the Dark Lord as new recruits…

**Woo: **Yeah…but let's just blame it on Cedric for the purposes of this fic

**Cedric: **WAAAAAAAAAAA! I didn't mean to! I was just checking out Oliver Wood's ass through my Heavenly Pensieve!

**Fan: **(sigh) Like we said…let's just blame it on Cedric…

**Woo: **But in a weirdly fundamental way, we understand…(wink)

**Fan: **What _is_ a weirdly fundamental way anyway?

**Woo: **It's just an excuse for us to lump big words together to make us sound intelligent…

**Fan: **And before we go, we'd like to add that reviews are highly appreciated.

**Woo:** Constructive criticism is always highly appreciated too.


	2. Lily visits Petunia

**DISCLAIMER:**

Like we said before…we humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yea, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers.

**Fan: **AND WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

**Woo: **And live in action!

**Fan: **Here's the second instalment of our little parody crackfic

**Woo: **It's probably not as good as the first chapter, but hey! Who cares?

**Fan: **And just for the record…all mentions of bloated pigs and baby killer whales are not directed at fat people…

**Woo: **It's just used for Vernon and Dudley…

**Fan: **And besides, JK Rowling used those terms as well…

**Woo: **So theoretically, we're not guilty of being offensive

**Fan**: We would also like to extend our sincerest thanks to the following people for their reviews-

**Woo**: _Rinjii_, _FireTemptress_, _Eirias2_, _Fluff Inc_, and _Ryuuka_.

**Fan**: We would also like to thank _SKRowling_ for putting us on her Favorite Stories list, and _Aubrianna_ for putting Jesus Potter onto her Parodies C2 community.

_**Chapter 2- Lily visits Petunia**_

**CHAPTER WARNINGS: Husband-defamation, sisterly bitchfighting a la Jerry Springer style, slight offences to "fat" people (if you take it that way)**

_In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen._

_A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…_

While James was at work one day, Lily drove down to Little Whinging to see her ugly sister Petunia for no reason at all, but seeing as though Mary visits Elizabeth in the original text, Lily is obliged to visit Petunia.

She parked in front of Number 4 on Privet Drive and went into the house of Vernon Dursley.

Lily greeted her sister rather restrainedly.

When Petunia heard her sister's greeting, the baby bounced madly within her.

Petunia felt like the Holy Fawkes was spontaneously combusting inside of her and said in a snide voice:

"What on earth are you doing here? Crawling back here because you finally realised that Potter was no good? Well, you can't stay here! And how dare you curse me with your hoodoo voodoo and make my baby scared and give me excruciating uterus pain!"

"Why on earth would I want to crawl back to _your_ hovel in the first place? And for your information, James is as lovely as ever, which is more than I can say for your fat lard of a husband. I have no idea why I bothered coming here," Lily said in annoyed tone. She turned right around and stopped at the door with a sweet smile on her face.

"Petunia dear, have I ever told you I have always likened you to a pregnant horse? I will certainly delight in seeing the excess skin hanging off your nonexistent hips after you give birth to your poor child. Wonder what he'd look like? A whale like his dad, or a bony _donkey_ just like you?"

The door then slammed shut.

3 months later…

The time came for Petunia to have her baby, and she gave birth to a son.

Her neighbours all thought that she must have done something to piss the Dumbledore off because her son looked like a bald and bloated pig.

When the baby was a week old, they were going to circumcise him and were going to name him Hezakiah Bartholonew Nebuchadnezzar. But his mother said, "No! His name is to be Dudley."

The child grew and developed in body and spirit. Mainly in body more than spirit, since he became roughly the size of a baby killer whale at the age of 14 (but that's a different story…). He lived in Privet Drive and lived to bash the living daylights out of other poor, defenceless kids until the day he 'saw the light' and decided to make public sermons at the local children's playground.

_To be continued…_

**Fan: **Now that one was really short…

**Woo: **I liked the part where 'Duddykins' bounced inside his dear mummy.

**Fan: **Personally I liked where Petunia felt like Fawkes was combusting inside her…wow…is that how pregnant women feel?

**Woo: **I wouldn't know…

**Fan: **Anyway…don't worry, Harry will come into being in the next chapter…

**Woo: **We just had to get all the nitty gritty out of the way first…

**Fan: **By the way, any suggestions are welcome for future chapters!

**Woo: **Reviews will also be worshipped too!

**Fan: **Tell us what you'd like to see happen and some scenarios we could include!

**Woo: **Unintelligent flames will be collected, laughed at, and displayed in a chapter at the very end of our little crackfic…because we think stupid flamers are mindless homo sapiens who have nothing better to do than offer invalid opinions with no sufficient evidence to back them up whatsoever.

**Fan: **The damn filter on won't let me make a smiley face. Boo. Oh well.


	3. The Birth of Harry Potter

**DISCLAIMER:**

For the third time…we humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yea, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers. Oh, and the 'Quidditch World Cup' instrumental orchestral score, however lovely it sounds, is the brainchild of the oh-so brilliant Patrick Doyle…and we both soooo totally wish we owned this song…

**Fan:** We extend our thanks to the following reviewers because they rock:

**Woo:** _FireTemptress_, _hp-Lover-4-Ever_, _The Real Evil Penguin_, _sodchick_, _koolgamer_, _HalfSithalready_, _darkrosemoon_, _Immortal Phantom_, and _lady of the frozen black flame_.

**Fan:** And we are honored by being added to the Favorites of _hp-Lover-4-Ever_ and _koolgamer_.

**Woo:** And to _darkrosemoon_: thank you for the suggestions, but we had already completed this chapter soon after we posted the second chapter. Sorry! (bows deeply)

**Fan:** And now…

**Woo:** We've come…

**Fan:** To the moment…

**Woo:** You've been waiting for…

**Fan:** Here is…

**Woo:** Our take…

**Fan:** On…

**Woo:** The…

**Fan and Woo:** CHRISTMAS STORY!

_**Chapter 3- The Birth of Harry Potter**_

**CHAPTER WARNINGS: Improper use of phrases from Saiyuki, lots of AWWWWWWWWW-ing, a crazy and psychotic Karkaroff, illegal hijacking of transport and driving over the speed limit, overload of angelic visions, making a mockery of Viktor's accent…**

_In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen._

_A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…_

At that time, the Quidditch World Cup was on in England. Everyone was obviously very excited and flock-loads of wizards and witches Flooed, Portkeyed, Apparated or flew to England.

James drove Lily to Diagon Alley and while they were there, the time came for her to have her baby.

So after much excruciating labour pain, much side-to-side, rickety movements made by the transport and unnecessary coarse language- most of it directed unintentionally at James, Lily gave birth to an adorable little boy who looked just like James (thank Dumbledore, she thought) on a bed on the Knight Bus- because the Leaky Cauldron was packed to bursting point and St Mungo's was full due to an unprecedented increase in the amount of patients who all claimed that they had been visited by a somewhat familiar teenage angel who was high on crack.

It was such a peaceful scene and then:

"OY! STOP MOVING THE DAMN BUS YOU CRAZY FRICKIN' BUS DRIVER!"

James sweatdropped and just patted Lily's hand lovingly and said: "Yare, yare, desu ne…" (see translation at the bottom)

(A/N: Woo wails in anguish at the improper use of Hakkai's (a character from the Anime Saiyuki) key phrases…Fan just cackles maniacally…)

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There were two Care of Magical Creatures teachers- a half-giant and an old woman (ie. Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank) nearby, who were tending to their flock of Thestrals. Of course, considering the fact that no one in this fic has _died_ yet, the sight was quite odd…

Viktor, another angel of the Dumbledore appeared to them and the twinkle of Dumbledore's eyes blinded them temporarily. Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank were terribly afraid, but the angel said to them:

"Do not being afraid! I am here vis good news for you and also am delivering zis fine from za Ministry of Magic for illegal possession of 'Zestrals…but I am talking beside za point…You vant to be finding za Knight Bus yes? Zere you finding very cute little baby who vill growing up to very very sexy (rawr)…and vot else I supposed to say? Oh yes, you must vorship him or Dumbledore vill not assist you in za court hearing and Lily and James vud like it if you bringing gifts yes?"

Suddenly a great army of macho Durmstrang angels appeared next to Viktor and to the tune of the Bulgarian section of Patrick Doyle's 'The Quidditch World Cup' (as heard during the Quidditch World Cup scene in the fourth Harry Potter movie) started doing complicated acrobatics and twirled giant poles which emitted random fireballs which were gathered leftovers of the Holy Fawkes' latest suicide/resurrection attempt.

When the angels went away from them, the Care of Magical Creatures teachers were still trying to rub their eyes from being blinded by the twinkle of Dumbledore's eyes. Unfortunately, because they were trying to regain their eyesight, they had missed every word the angel said.

Fortunately though, the Knight Bus just happened to park in front of them right at that moment and indeed they saw a very adorable little baby in the arms of a very pretty red headed woman. They all went:

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

And paid him homage with presents of rock cakes and a complementary 'The Monster Book of Monsters' book which unfortunately attempted to bite the poor baby…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days later (for the Three Kings did not arrive until the 6th of January) some men who studied the secret passages to large, giant old architectural structures and then devised magical maps to aid troublemakers walked past the Knight Bus. Earlier on, they had bumped into Karkaroff on the street who had demanded them to give him a baby to kill (see, Azkaban turned him loony) and so were setting off in search of a suitable victim. They looked into the windows of the Knight Bus and were surprised:

"OH MY GOD! IT'S JAMES! LOOK YOU GUYS! IT'S JAMES!" exclaimed the Moony, Remus

"OH WOOOOOOOOOW! IT'S OUR SUPER LEADER!" gushed the Wormtail, Peter

"WOAH! JAMES KNOCKED LILY UP! GOOD ON YA MATE!" roared the Padfoot, Sirius

At that instance, Lily threw a frying pan at Sirius's head, who promptly ducked.

"Sirius don't be rude! Wow…how have you two been? Though I must say James, it's a pity you're not doing the business with us…you could have made it so much more life-threatening and death-defying!" said Remus.

"Ahhh…well…Lily needs me and I have a family now…besides…she's more life-threatening and death-defying than any old Marauders' Map…"

"James…"

"Only kidding dear…" James stuttered nervously.

"Hey where's the little tyke? Let's get a good look at the offspring of our wonder-couple!"

The Three Marauders looked over at Lily's arms and saw Harry lying in swaddling clothes looking very adorable. They all went:

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Hey James, you don't mind if we give him some presents now do you?" asked Sirius.

"Oh no, go ahead!"

And so the Three Marauders worshipped the lovely baby.

Sirius gave Harry the gift of 1000000000000000000000000000000000000 Gold Galleons.

Remus gave Harry the gift of a year's sack-worth of Dungbombs and Stink Pellets and a Create-Your-Own-Insta-Poltergeist DIY kit.

Peter gave Harry the gift of a life-size toy Dementor.

Harry opened his eyes and blinked owlishly and giggled with delight. And everyone went:

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Hey James, do you mind if we crash here for the night on the bus with you guys?" asked Sirius.

"No, go right ahead."

That night, the Three Marauders were visited by another angel of Dumbledore, Fleur. She smiled beatifically at them and they were all entranced by her dazzling beauty and were practically drooling.

That is, until she snapped at them very un-beatificallyand said: "If you go to zat 'orrible man Karkaroff tonight and tell him about ze baby, you vill be pecked to death by a 'orde of angry Veela! Shame on ze three of you for attempting to keel an innocent child!"

The next day, the Three Marauders escaped London through the Underground Railway to avoid Karkaroff and the supposed angry horde of Veela. Like they wanted to kill their best friend's son anyway…

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That night, Cedric, Viktor and Fleur all appeared to James in a dream:

"Man…like you probably won't believe me…but like…you're totally in danger maaaaaaaaan…"

"You needing to get owt of here, as soon as possible yes!"

"Ze 'orrible Karkaroff is going to keel your son!"

"OMGWTF! Why are you all prancing around in front of me? What's going on? LILY! DID YOU SLIP MUGGLE HALLUCINOGENS IN MY COFFEE?"

"COOL DUUUUUDEEE! YOU'RE HIGH TOO!"

(slap) "Cedric, be quiet! You are making zis poor man deestressed! You should be ashamed!"

"Both of you be qviet…you are making a scene…and ve are vasting time here…Karkaroff vill be here soon!"

"Ummm…I'm sorry, but what's going on? Who's Karkaroff? Why is he going to kill Harry?"

"Oh…like…he's a psycho, maaaaaaaaaaaan…he's high…but like, in the baaaaaaaaaaaad way duuuude…like…he was in the Azkaban Mental Institution and like he likes killing babies…which is like…soooo…wrong duuude…"

"Oui, but zat is besides ze point, ze point is, you must commandeer ze Knight Bus and drive to Scotland and stay zere for a while until eet is safe."

"Scotland?"

"No time, no time, you must be going now, ve vill tell you ven to come home yes?"

"Uh…ok…I still have no idea who the fuck you three are or why one of you is high, one of you is Bulgarian and one of you is a French part-Veela, but ok…"

And so that night, James kicked Ernie the bus driver out of the driver's seat, gave him a very strong Sleeping Draught and hijacked the Knight Bus. Driving like a mad lunatic and obviously breaking the speed limit, he drove Lily and baby Harry to Scotland where they spent a month eating haggis and listening to bagpipes 24/7.

Meanwhile, Karkaroff was so pissed off that the Three Marauders had tricked him that he attempted to go on a baby killing spree. Unfortunately he was so wasted from drinking too much Firewhiskey at the Leaky Cauldron that he collapsed in a slump outside and kept screaming "KILL ZA BABY!"

Luckily though, the wards at the Azkaban Mental Institution had found him and carted him back to the Institution under threat of Dementor torture, thus spoiling any plan to commit infanticide.

A month later, Viktor appeared to James in another dream and screamed: "VAKE UP!"

Then Fleur interjected and said: " 'URRY UP AND TAKE ZE FAMILY 'OME!"

Then Cedric blew in and said: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT BUT I'M OUT OF ANGEL POWDER!"

So after a very bad sleep in which James' ears felt like he attended a Weird Sisters concert, he drove Lily and Harry back to London and discreetly put a still-sleeping Ernie back in the driver's seat. From then on, the family lived in peace (sort of) at Godric's Hollow where Harry would soon grow up to be a fine, upstanding young man…

_To be continued…_

(_Yare yare, desune_: Oh dear, oh my, etc)

**Fan:** (phew) OMFG WE'VE FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER!

**Woo:** Wow…it was sooooo long…

**Fan:** I really enjoyed this one…I really did…Now Christmas seems a lot more fun…

**Woo:** It should, since we're kinda taking the piss out of it…

**Fan:** What do you think the Nativity plays at primary schools would be like if they followed this storyline?

**Woo:** They'd probably think the kids were high on crack and forever ban Nativity plays for the rest of their lives…

**Fan:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAH, stop killing my smileys, stupid filter!

**Karkaroff:** GAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ROAR! GRRRRR! (GNASH) GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

**Woo:** WTF…who let him in here?

**Fan:** Don't look at me…where's the Dementors when you need them?

(Dementors float in from nowhere. Fan and Woo don gas masks for…_obvious_ reasons…)

**Woo:** After all, they aren't good kissers. And I would like to add that Fan did most of the work for this chapter, so yeah…appreciate man…

**Fan:** Yes, applaud me! Buahahahahah!

**Draco:** _Excuse_ me! When the hell am _I_ going to come in! _I'm_ more important than Potter!

**Woo:** You'll come in when we're ready for you, now go practise your pole dancing…you're gonna need it…

**Fan:** (drools) Oh don't worry, you'll 'come' in soon…(snicker)

**Woo:** Perverted Draco kugger…personally, I much prefer Harry shirtless and underneath a hot smexy dude…(drool)

**Fan:** (drools as well) But I wuuuve my smexy Draco in leather- oh wait…we're spoiling it…(winks conspiratorially at Woo)

**Woo:** Oh yes…we should shut up now…(winks conspiratorially back at Fan)

**Draco:** What in the _hell_ is going on! I say, I _demand_ to have a grand entrance!

(Fan and Woo drag Draco out the door and shove him in his dressing room)

**Fan:** Is he really _that_ excited to make his entrance into this fic?

**Woo:** Well…considering he doesn't _know_ what he's going to do…

**Fan:** You'd _think_ he'd get a clue by now after we loaded his dressing room with leather S and M bondage-ish clothing and made him take pole-dancing lessons…(shakes head)

**Woo:** Now now, we're spoiling it for the viewers (grin)

**Fan:** CURSE YOU, STUPID FILTER. GIVE ME BACK MY SMILEY FACES.

**Woo:** Well, until next time…review please?


	4. The Boy Harry on the Quidditch Pitch

**DISCLAIMER:**

We don't own Harry Potter.

We don't own Christianity or the Bible.

We don't own the song 'Do the Hippogriff'.

Do not sue us.

Thank you.

And university is annoying.

That's why we took so long.

**Fan: **Here we are again!

**Woo: **Back with another crack chapter!

**Fan: **ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT HOGWARTS! ARE YOU READY? AAAAAAAAAAA! (head bangs)

**Woo: **While Fan is going psycho to 'Do the Hippogriff', _I_ will be extending thanks to the following reviewers: _HeyyBabyy_, _DracoisHot906_, _JadeLilyMalfoy_, _darkrosemoon_, _FireTemptress_, _Fortheheckofit, hp-Lover-4-Ever_, and _koolgamer_. Further thanks go to the following for the honor of being added to their Favorites: _HeyyBabyy_, _DracoisHot906_, _JadeLilyMalfoy_, _Fortheheckofit _(x2) (wink), and _basketball.gal_.

**Fan: **CAN YOU DANCE LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF! NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA etc.

**Woo: **I'm pretty sure I do not recall any dancing Hippogriffs in Harry Potter.

**Fan: **Oh sure they do! Remember when Buckbeak was dancing with Draco? Oh wait…I forgot…he was attempting to kill him…

**Draco: **_EXCUSE ME!_

**Fan and Woo: **(laugh hysterically)

**Fan and Woo: **(in a girly mock-Draco tone) OMG IT'S KILLED ME! IT'S KILLED ME!

**Draco: **(pout)

**Fan: **(squee) Oh honey, stop doing that! It makes me just wanna pinch your cheeks!

**Woo: **(gag) Ok, let's stop teasing him, otherwise he'll bail out on us…

**Fan: **Hai, hai. Anyway…here's Chapter 4!

_**Chapter 4- The Boy Harry on the Quidditch Pitch**_

**CHAPTER WARNINGS: Extremely loud and enraged Lily, abuse and mis-use of capital letters and foul language**

**  
**_In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen._

_A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…_

Every year, the parents of Harry Potter went to the final match of the English National Quidditch League.

When Harry was 11 years old, they went to the match (this year being the Cannons vs. the Tornadoes).

When the match was over, with the Cannons winning by 20 points, they Apparated back home, but the boy Harry stayed at the Quidditch pitch.

His parents did not know this; they thought that he was hiding underneath James' Invisibility Cloak like he always did as a little joke.

It wasn't until they got back to Godric's Hollow and James checked the Marauders' Map on the wall that they realised that Harry was not in the vicinity.

James yelled: "OMGWTF!"

Lily screamed: "OMG JAMES THIS IS ALL _YOUR_ FAULT! YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN HIM THAT STUPID CLOAK OF YOURS!"

"BUT LILY IT WAS _YOUR_ IDEA!"

Lily pretended not to hear that and proceeded to run around the house Stunning every random object her spells hit (including poor James), screaming: "MY BABY!"

After James recovered from being Stunned, he calmly said to Lily: "Lily dear, Harry is an 11-year old _BOY_, not an _FOETUS_…"

The world then went black for James as a rather large frying pan slammed into his face and knocked him out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since their search of the house was both fruitless and pointless, James and Lily decided to go back to the Quidditch pitch where the final was held and look for Harry there.

On the third day (Dumbledore knows _why_ they took so long considering there aren't many places in a Quidditch stadium you can hide in…) they found him flying around the air like a little bird on a spiffy-looking Firebolt, amazing the _adult_ Quidditch players with his natural talent and prowess at catching the Snitch.

Lily then promptly fainted and James whooped with delight when they saw Harry pull off a particularly dangerous Wronski Feint.

When Harry landed back on the ground, Lily took him aside and said: "_Harry_…" in a voice more dangerous than a Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Harry winced, and resisted the urge to block his ears for the incoming onslaught.

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY **_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP_** DID YOU THINK YOU WERE **_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-_**ING

**DOING**? YOU COULD HAVE BEEN **_BEEEEEEEEP-_**ING KILLED, YOU MORONIC **_BEEEEEEEEEEP_**! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR **_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP_** OF A FATHER!"

James looked almost injured by her admonitions. Harry felt like the Weird Sisters were singing 'Do the Hippogriff' in his ear on perma-play at max volume. And Lily had wondered where Harry got his potty mouth from.

(A/N: Fan snickers at the pun 'potty' and demands the cursed filter return her smiley faces.)

When Lily ran out of breath and voice, Harry tugged on James's sleeve and asked in a very quiet voice: "Why did you marry mom?"

"If I told you Harry, that would earn me a week-long stay at St. Mungo's."

Harry blinked owlishly once again. "I don't get it."

"You will someday. Just for now, umm…it's best if you stay away from girls eh? _Especially_ if they look like your mother…"

"EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU JUST TELL HARRY?"

"Nothing darling, nothing…"

"Anyway, that's not the point, the point is, Harry, I am _not_ having you fly around on a broomstick and doing dangerous things like that! You might turn out like your father and grow an over-sized head from being so 'talented' at Quidditch!"

"But Moooooooooom! I'm really good at it! And anyway, I got Dumbledore's permission to play!"

"He has a point, Lily, I mean, hell, I've never seen anyone catch the Snitch like that…_I_ couldn't even catch the Snitch like that, let alone do a Wronski Feint and well…you can't really argue with the Dumbledore now, can you?"

Lily was about to retort scathingly and tell James just where he could STICK his WONKY FAINT, but then Harry's large green eyes were blinking pleadingly at her and she found that the green of his eyes practically Avada Kedavra-ed the words she was about to utter.

"Oh alright fine…but if _you_ start strutting around and behaving like a bloody ponce, Harry, you'll be praying to Dumbledore to send you a miracle when I'm through with you! And _you_ James! If Harry gets so much as a fractured wrist, _you're_ paying for the St. Mungo's bills!"

Harry beamed at Lily and he and James went obediently back to Godric's Hollow with Lily…well, maybe not _that_ obediently, since they were plotting which broom James could nick from work for Harry.

After several Quidditch accidents over the years, mainly involving a Quaffle landing in Sunday night's soup, Bludgers flying through the windows and the Snitch somehow getting lost up Lily's shirt (James rather enjoyed extracting it after Lily stopped attempting to kill him), Harry soon grew in body (especially to run away from a Lily in one of her 'Hungarian Horntail' moods) and in heart (so he could charm Lily into forgiving him for running away in the first place).

_To be continued…_

**Fan: **And we're done…

**Woo: **After you kept mussing up my poor hair of course…

**Fan: **Hey! Your brain needed stimulating!

**Woo: **So does yours.

**Fan: **Excuse me, at least my brain is more stimulated than yours.

**Woo: **LIEEESSSSSS.

**Fan: **Whatever. And stop using Parseltongue p Anyway…that chapter was kinda not funny (pout)

**Woo: **I was _not_ using Parseltongue and yeah, I am inclined to agree…it was short too (glum)

**Fan: **WE NEED MORE IDEAS!

**Woo: **We need sugar.

(assistant runs up and brings a jar of sugar)

**Fan: **(sweatdrop)

**Woo: **(sweatdrop)…Wait, can I throw the sugar at you?

**Fan: **_EXCUSE_ ME! I DID NOTHING TO WARRANT THE SUGAR BEING THROWN AT ME!

**Woo:** OH YEAH? WHO KEPT MUSSING UP MY HAIR AND TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE HARRY GONE WRONG, HUH?

**Fan: **(completely ignores that statement because Woo saying 'Harry gone wrong' has just reminded her of 'Honlon gone wrong') GIVE ME BACK MY SMILEY YOU BLOODY FILTER.

---Honlon is the character of the three-headed dragon in the anime 'Petshop of Horrors'. This statement derived from the time when Fan saw an episode of 'Yami no Matsuei' and there was a really ugly three-headed dragon and Fan just immediately thought of Honlon. Thus the phrase "Honlon gone wrong". Note: Honlon is very pretty…that's why.

**Audience:** …(blank stares)

**Woo: **I knew they wouldn't get it. Anyhow, pleeeeaaaaaassse review. :D We like reviews and we need more ideas…


End file.
